I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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