Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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