why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
you had me at cake vodka
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
