Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
everyone is single if you try hard enough
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize