if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
