Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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