you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
