Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
