Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
