Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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