I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
