I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize