Your face is a jimmy john
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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