A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
