every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
