I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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