I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
