I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
