i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
of course. lets lasso hookers.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
