That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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