i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
