A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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