I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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