my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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