one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
