Banned from zoo.
Again?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
