At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
