I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
