I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
