The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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