woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Mom said you looked used
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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