Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Found the puke drawer
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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