We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
