His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I supernannyed him into submission
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
