He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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