I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
