I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
