He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize