Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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