Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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