Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize