I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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