hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
