: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
