sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize