i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
