i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
