I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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