Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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