God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
