My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
