im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
